musical loneliness

Summer is long gone and winter is starting to take its toll. I've been seriously sick with a mere cold and it has hindered me from my studies. My face is red and I can feel my skin drying out.

In other news, let me look back on these past four months while this Fall semester of 2011 is coming to a close.

Coming back to Long Beach was a hard hit for me. I had spent a long 6 months recovering from my own mistakes, and spending a lot of time with the girls I love most in my life--my IH sisters.

We'd done a lot together, like waited out in front of the Chinese Theatre to see the gorgeous Tom Felton and get his autograph. (sadly, we waited for James Franco too but he didn't go out for autographs :<)

I mean, even if I met Dumbfoundead and took a picture with him alone, it was all worth it just to see two of my beauties.

Oh the fun day we half spent at Garden Grove just to ride children's rides and take purikura, then went back to KTown for our millionth meal at Boiling Crab.

And the fabulous-max day that Sang and I spent at Little Tokyo with Essy... We got our photos taken a lot... Probably just because we're all Asian and we were all wearing yukata.

 Oh and an unforgettable 19th birthday where I took my lovelies out to their first time Buca di Beppo, and had a bowl of tiramasu cake. Then enjoyed the ah-mazing fireworks at the Hollywood Bowl for the live orchestral performance of Fantasia.

Sure, this year started off lonely, living alone in Long Beach, having to cook for myself, and start over in making friends.

 Everyone else had already had fun memories from last semester and summer break so I missed out on a lot. Most of the beginning of my semester was wondering how I'd deal with being lonely, and missing my lovely sisters. Sadly everyone else had already moved on from summer and were busy with the new school year whereas all of my idle time was left to feeling lonely, as much as I tried to occupy it with practice and enjoyment.
I really spent a lot of time trying to get out there and socialize. More than I needed to, and ended up getting fucked up on one try-hard night. Sure, I looked fabulous after too much practice on my make up and hair, but in the end, I tried so hard to make new friends and try new things, I ended up fucking up really bad.

 Even so, I guess you could say that my style has improved somewhat over the course of the semester...

  And how awesome was it to see Kevin-aniki again after so long! And he bought a new bike! I got to pretend to ride on it haha

Of course, the wait for my dearies was not in vain because I was able to see them again one day for the Miyavi concert. It was all great. Or maybe it wasn't. I felt like a third wheel. I don't know why but I just did. I knew we hadn't spoken in a while, but I tried to message sometimes, but to no avail. It seemed like they had kept their friendship in check... but I was just there. I might as well have just given the two their tickets and gone to the concert alone. It really hurts to know that the people you care about the most and treasure the most don't really care what's going on in your life anymore.

Then to another drunken night!

Fun at first, taking drunken pictures I can't really remember taking, and knowing I ended up yaking all over myself, my costume, and the carpet. It was a rough night.

 Yes, staying alone is the way to do it. Even in KASA, I have no one close to be with. I went to Dance Off alone, danced around alone, maybe danced with some guys, but I ended up meeting someone wonderful and I didn't leave the club alone.

Thanksgiving break was better than I thought it would be. I went out on a date with that wonderful guy, and my church sister came home from Berkeley for the weekend.
Even if I don't have the friends anymore that I thought I would have forever, I found that I am so thankful that I still have the few people who are willing to love me and care about me more than I assumed my most cherished friends would.

Maybe I'm thinking too hard about it. Maybe there's a reason that my best friend blocked me on twitter, won't respond to my text messages, private messages, wall posts, and phone calls. Maybe there's a good reason why they all talk to each other but not to me.

I try to keep in contact with them. I want to know about what's going on in their lives, all the joys and sorrows, so I can laugh and cry with them. I want to share with my IH sisters all the wonderful and horrible things that have happened over the months they didn't feel like being friends with me anymore.

Maybe they just got tired of me fucking up.

Yeah. That must be it.

At least I know I still have Addie and Ryan.

It's really painful to know that people you love so much don't care anymore.

I guess it's time for me to stop trying too.